SNEAKING INTO NIGERIA
December 4, 2017
“Princess”
That was her name. She was 22, skinny, and had a sophisticated wig.
It was Thanksgiving night and I was in a shady nightclub in the capital of Benin, West African. I was with my buddy Garrett. There were exactly zero other customers. Princess wasn’t a waitress, but rather a guest relations ambassador. I guess. She sat down, ordered drinks on our tab, and stared at us.
Before the nightclub, we had dinner with a blond nonprofit worker from Washington DC who was bored out of her mind and thankful she met us. She wouldn’t shut up about a Pangolin in Zimbabwe. Do you know what a Pangolin is? Hell no you don’t.
The Pangolin is a scaly creature that looks like a, well, Pangolin. It is the most endangered animals on the planet apparently. All news to me.
Side note: she informed us there is a man assigned to a Pangolin in Zimbabwe that must carry it around in a pouch every day visiting various ant hills so it can eat. This dude covers something like 50 miles a day carrying a scaly anteater looking varmint. Every day. 50 miles. To eat ants. I bet he hates that Pangolin. And ants.
Where am I going with this? To Lagos, Nigeria of course…
I was sipping Whisky on the rocks because the local beer tasted like bile and nobody in Africa could make a vodka soda. Princess drank whisky as well.
Garret told Princess our story about arriving in Ghana and making across West Africa to Nigeria.
Princess told us she was Nigerian. This was good news.
Princess informed me that she had two brothers; One is a bottom and the other a top. As dumb as I am, I finally realized she thought I was gay and was trying to pawn me on one of her brothers. Flattering. Happy Thanksgiving.
Fast forward to the Nigerian border with Benin…. actually, no, let’s not.
I woke up the next day with a decent hangover and no idea how to get to Lagos, Nigeria. To add to the situation, nobody in the hotel spoke English. Nor did they like English speaking white skinny guys.
Princess and one of her brothers showed up in the lobby as I was checking out. She wasn’t wearing her wig. Her brother had the greatest teeth I have ever seen. I felt like hell. Garrett had apparently given her our Hotel name and Whatsapp number the night before.
Long story longer, I negotiated a deal with the brother to take us into Nigeria and guide us around for the weekend. Nigerians love money. Gay guys love me. I love not getting kidnapped in Nigeria. Synergy.
I had read, regardless if you have your visa in order, everyone at the border wants a bribe. If not, they will search you for hours, detain you, yell at you, plant drugs on you, search your phone for incriminating photos, and simply make your life a living hell. No worries, I had a gay Nigerian guide who I gave a stack of money to make those who needed to be happy, happy. His job was to prevent us from ending up in a Nigerian prison or duct taped in the back of a van.
Garrett, myself, Princess and her brother loaded up into a taxi and headed to the border.
First stop, money laundering.
In order to exchange some cash, we stopped and were escorted into a concrete office that felt like the inside of a microwave. After about 20 minutes of arguing about the exchange rate, we had a deal and could leave the excruciatingly hot makeshift office.
We headed outside where two scooters were waiting for us. All of us. Well, minus Princess who headed back to wherever she hides. So, 5 grown men, 4 sets of luggage and two scooters made their way into the abyss.
We rode through some hell hole of a town on a war-torn dirt road to a wooden shack where a guy in a lab coat checked our yellow fever cards. He also asked for some money and screamed at our guide. Then, as if God himself was shining upon us, it started raining like hell. Garrett, in his Sunday best, was starting to have a series of panic attacks.
After bribing that guy to do what he is supposed to do anyway, we walked a few paces through a ricketed wooden shack the Benin passport office. A couple dudes in vintage military outfits took our passports. It took them a billion years to stamp us out of Benin. They wrote our info into a ledger they had been using it since Jesus was a kid. I don’t think they extorted us for money.
Wait, they did…sorry.
At this point, it was raining like balls so we huddled up under a tin roof with our scooter drivers and a bizarre West African man in a dirty one-piece African man-robe he had been wearing since the earth was formed. He had long wooden-looking teeth and oddly inverted legs which caused him to walk like an Ewok. I have no idea how an Ewok walks or what an Ewok is but it is the first word that popped into my head.
He also liked 2pac.
After 20 minutes of uncomfortable conversations with the Ewok guy, the monsoon died down and we jumped back on the scooters. Mine broke.
So, I walked across the border which was only a rope being held up by a homeless man. I think everyone within a 22-mile radius was homeless. I got on Garrett's scooter and we slid through a few mud lakes making our way to the Nigerian officials.
We arrived at the Nigerian passport control, customs, yellow fever checkpoint and immigration. All of which were random dudes in random booths wearing random clothing asking for random bribes.
Finally, we got back in the car and headed out of hell until a guy in plain clothes told our driver to pull over for an inspection. After a few moments, some aggressive arguments, and a $15 bride, the inspection was complete.
We hit the road, again, and breezed through over 25 police checkpoints. Our guide said that the government was cracking down on people bringing goods in from neighbouring countries in an effort to force people to buy Nigerian products. For example, rice in neighbouring Benin is currently 50% cheaper than in Nigeria and some people were smuggling it into Nigeria.
We finally made it to our hotel after 6 hours of miserable roads and complete chaos, which was fascinating. As we arrived at our hotel the driver pulled to the side, popped the hood and removed two huge sacks of rice he had been smuggling the whole time. He smiled.
