TURKEY & SERBIA

March 30, 2018

You ever been on an airplane that still has the cigarette ashtray in the armrest? Built around the time of Amelia Earhart? Or Jesus? We just took one from Amsterdam to Istanbul on Turkish Airlines.  

Mid-flight, they served a meal. Now, every intelligent human being on earth knows that airplane food is complete garbage. How could it not be? Well, I always eat it. It’s free. And I am usually Bored.

It was some half warm, half cold pasta mush with a side of tomato and cucumber salad soaked in oddly smelling vinegar juice.

I ate it. All of it.

So did Garrett.

We landed in Istanbul, Turkey and ventured off to the Grand Bazaar. It was very grand. As was the food poisoning that hit Garrett the moment we walked into the Bazaar. He looked like the ghost of death and misery. With poofy hair.

We sat down at a little café and Garrett immediately disappeared to find a toilet. He vomited 4 times, per his report when he got back. If there is one thing I hate, it is vomiting. I will also say that the word “Vomit” is a horrible word in general. Vomiting is a terrible experience but you do feel like an amazing angel directly after. I digress.

I sat and tried the Turkish tea excited about the possibility of the same food poisoning destroying me in a matter of time.  

Garrett found every bathroom in the grand bazaar as we went from stall to stall which was selling the same 4 things: Colored lighting, Gucci belts, fabric and spices. After a few hours, we headed back to the airport to venture off to Serbia.

We passed on the meal offering.

Lesson: Never, for the love of God, eat airplane food. Unless you are hungry and bored and love market toilets. 

Later that night we caught a flight to Belgrade, Serbia where we checked into the most whimsical hotel on earth, Mama Shelter, and begged the cute gal at reception to find us a guide to show us the city the next day. She did.

His name was Peter.  

The next day Peter arrived at the hotel to tote us around the city. He looked like a skinny version of the Brawny towel man. Bushy hair and a solid Eastern Block beard.

For the next 5 hours, Peter took us to a fort, a coffee shop atop of some hill, through every street in the entire city, past a gypsy village and to his very own bar called Bukowski’s.

He never stopped talking. Ever.

He told us about no less than 10,000 dates in history.

My brain was completely fried as I tried to attentively follow everything he was saying. Garrett was comfortably asleep in the back seat. The entire time. Lucky bastard.

To break the history lesson bombardment I finally asked him why he smokes hand-rolled cigarettes.

I had noticed he would roll a cigarette about every 2 and a half minutes. I promise you he smoked at least 36 cigarettes in 5 hours. Easy.

“I have been smoking for 10 years and this tobacco is the best”.

10 years.

He is 27. 

Now, let’s do some simple math here geeks. 10 years x 50 cigs a day = a billion cigarettes. No filters.

Here it he thing I noticed about Serbia. Everybody smokes cigs. They smoke them Everywhere. Outside, inside, restaurants, bars, shops, malls, taxis, buses, showers, While sleeping. Everywhere.

Peter mentioned a study was done that showed areas of low economic status generally have a higher rate of smoking. No money, buy cigarettes. Like me, no money, buy travel.

He also said, in the world history bash, Queen Margrethe of Denmark chain smokes and thus Denmark has the lowest tobacco tax in the world. Get it girl.

We finally landed at Peter’s bar at the end of the tour for a beer. Thank God.

Here is what struck me the most from the entire 5-hour lesson on earth history. Belgrade, which is a very desirable piece of real estate in European history, is in the Guinness Book of World Records for being destroyed more than any other city in history.

44 times.

That bitch has been destroyed 44 times.

Peter would laugh every time he mentioned there are really no historical monuments, buildings, or structures left in Belgrade because it has been crushed so many times. Like my relationships over time…I digress again.

Lesson: If you get knocked down, well, get back up just like Belgrade has over and over and over and over. Also, stay away from cigs, Turkish Airlines mush and destructive relationships….

Trey