A BRAZILIAN WAX

July 20, 2018

I woke up in a healthy panic. It was today. At 11:40 am. My appointment. 

As dumb as I am, sometimes I impress myself with my lack of intelligence. Take my adventure today. Adventure is a terrible word to use for the gift I was given today. 

I Am Trey has been an amazing roller coaster and experience. When I started I Am Trey as a brand and lifestyle business I had no idea it would lead to these crazy experiences. However, the real message behind I Am Trey is for everyone to figure out Who They Are! I Am Trey and you are ______. Through these experiences I am finding out who I am.

Number six on my list of 30 things to try in 30 days is get a Brazilian wax. I got a Brazilian wax. I am not Brazilian.

Do you know what they do to a dude during a Brazilian wax? Neither did I. Now I do. 

My friend set up an appointment for me ensuring I would follow through with the mutilation. She set it for Friday in case I needed to spend a couple of days in the hospital. I assume. 

For some reason, I was curious what it would be like to get a Brazilian wax as a dude. I have heard the horror stories from women and wondered why all the fuss. I also wondered how it would work for a man with oddly shaped parts and sacks. 

I reached out to a few gay friends I know to see if they had done it for some advice. Nope. I was too scared to Google it. 

Do they do the whole area? 

What actually constitutes the whole area?

Do they do the actual penis?

Will I get an erection and be humiliated?

Will the waxer take one look, get sick, and leave the room?

Plenty of women gave me advice. Of course.

·       Take Advil before

·       Take Tylenol before

·       Don't take Advil before

·       Drink lots of water

·       Take Xanax

·       Don't shave

·       Ask for numbing cream

·       Get the sugar wax

·       Don't get the sugar wax if the first time

·       Don't do it

·       Get a job

I showed up at the fancy beauty salon 15 minutes late. Sweating. Regretful. They were waiting for me.

A kind young lady with devil eyes showed me into a small room with a doctor's table covered in that loud wax paper that sticks to everything. She told me to take off my clothes and lie on my back. With a smile. 

I was wondering if they would give me any sort of genital covering garment for the show. No. They don't. Soft porn. A man and a table. I should have tanned. 

Ol' girl put on some latex gloves and started moving my junk around like she was cleaning up scattered toys in a playroom.

She said don't scream. 

Really?

Yes, if you scream they will kick you out. 

No problem. Pass the fentanyl. 

She started in the northern district. The land above the male reproductive organ. The bikini triangle. First, the sides and then the middle. I swear on your mother's life there's no other feeling in the world as lovely as a foreign lady tearing a shoe size piece of molten wax off the middle section of your northern forest with the force of a thousand mules. It was like being attacked by 24 cats. 

By the grace of God, she would immediately apply pressure to each area after tearing my skin off as if to hold in my internal organs or put out a fire. This provided a split-second of relief before the mind started focusing on the next section. There were a lot of next sections. 

Have you ever had a woman paint hot wax on your balls then tear it off like box tape? 

I have. 

She moved to the valley area between the scrotum and leg side walls. This area did not pose too much pain. Not pleasant, but bearable. 

What was not bearable was the shame I felt by some random gal tossing around my good guys like a game of whack-a-mole. Plus, I was laid up in some odd yoga position wearing red socks and fighting tears. 

Sex in the City was on the TV.  

Next she fanned out my scrotum like that Jesus Christ lizard that runs across the water. I figured the skin on the scrotum would be too thin to wax on, wax off. I was wrong. Very wrong. 

She did. I blacked out for a moment. 

Then she applied a coat of the death wax to the area where the scrotum meets, well, fine, to the penis. My brain froze in terror. 

I blacked out again. Harder. 

Do you want the back?

What? 

It's included in the price.

Well, I'm here. 

She instructed me to pull my legs up near my head like a dead beetle. Gentlemen, if you want to practice the art of vulnerability and ego dissolve, I have a phone number for you. 

And here I was...a grown man...on a doctor's table...red socks floating in the air...staring at the ceiling while a stranger applied boiling hot wax to my ass. This is living.

A few strips of hot wax were applied to the most unsacred area of the human body. The area that no man or woman should ever have to encounter. The area that I have literally never seen on myself in my entire life. 

Then she pulled. 

They gave me a punch card. Fifth one is free. 

Trey