33 QUESTIONS: ELIZABETH HOMELESS & HURTING

October 24, 2018

I found her on Facebook. Actually, Ilene found her. She was in a picture holding an ugly lizard. Huge smile. Possibly Mexican. Possibly not.

A homeless girl in Nashville. The Facebook post was from Rick. He found her in a park and raised money to get her a motel room. Ilene, who has the innate ability to find anything on earth, found her. Of course. The next day we drove to Nashville. We had to meet this girl.

“Do you like Coca-Cola?” was the text Ilene received as we drove up from Atlanta. “I can walk to the store and buy you something to drink.”

Said Elizabeth, the 28-year-old homeless girl.  

We arrived after dark and stopped at a Starbucks where I jotted down 33 questions to ask her. She called Ilene and told her that Ty Ty, a drunk homeless woman, would be passed out on the bed. Danny, a homeless man, was there but would leave us alone. She said they were her “street parents”. She also said she was an alcoholic, but never gets out of control. Things were shaping up horrifically.

When we arrived, there were strange people lingering outside the hotel which did not ease my nerves. Ilene was unfazed. Of course.

We found Elizabeth’s room.

She answered and immediately shut the door on us. So far so good.

She opened it again with a huge smile. She wore a tank top and sweat pants and looked fit. I hugged her to try and break the ice. The guy in the corner stared at us with a broken face. A lump of a woman lay motionless on the bed. The room was the size of a closet.

We sat down at a rickety table with a huge vodka bottle in the center. She took a swig and started telling us her story. I thought about taking a swig. Seriously.

Every other word out of her mouth was “all the way”. Her accent sounded slightly Jamaican and partly British. She is half Mexican and half something else.

Elizabeth Ann Langham was born in Indiana and adopted when she was five weeks old. She has five siblings. Her oldest brother is a priest, her oldest sister is missionary, the next sister is in the Peace Corps, one of her younger brothers is autistic, and her other brother is gay. That is a well-rounded family.

She found it difficult to be non-white in a Catholic high school. She competed in track and field and won awards. She started her own marketing company at the age of 16. She loves to sing and writes her own music. She loved her grandmother, but won’t talk about the rest of her family. She said almost nothing about her parents.

Rick found her sleeping in the park across from his condo. She has colon cancer, throat cancer, skin cancer, and is HIV+. She is an alcoholic and suffers from seizures. The manic depression doesn’t bother her too much, she claims. She has overdosed six times and been to rehab or detox 23 times. She has been engaged three times and been abused by those same three men. One caused her to lose her baby, one knocked out her tooth, and the other infected her with HIV, drugged her, and locked her in a van for six months. She doesn’t like to cry and is very matter of fact when describing the horrific events she has survived.

After high school, she tried to focus on her music and moved around a bit and spent time in California and Minnesota. She took a vacation to Detroit and met a man who’s mother had recently passed away. He asked her if she would give him a ride to see his deceased mother’s house. Instead, he drugged her and took her to a gang initiation. She was the bait. She would not talk about what happened, but said that the drug paralyzed her body but not her mind. She remembers everything that happened to her that night. They filmed it.

I would take a shower forever until the water went cold trying to feel clean, but I never felt clean. I still don’t feel clean.

#13 What is the biggest lie you have been told?

             He loves me.

#24 Do you believe in love?

I used to. I lost my child…hold please…(shot of vodka)…I got pregnant. I got engaged to a man who came back from Iraq. His wife and child were killed in a car wreck. He would get all the way angry. One time, he got mad and slammed me against a bookshelf. He started punching me in the abdomen. I lost the baby. We were going to name him Michael Anthony.

I believe this was fiancée #1. Fiancée #2 was a pill popper and all the way mean times ten. He came home one day for lunch and couldn’t find his phone. He blamed her and hit her in the ear. He busted her ear drum and she is now deaf in her right ear. The police were called. For the third time. “Never date anyone you meet in rehab,” she joked.

#10 Who is your hero?

My Grandmother, but do you want to know why? Fuck…(cry)…y’all are getting me here. She is the only human that never had to raise her voice to get respect. So poised. So kind.

Every time she mentioned her grandmother, she would start to cry. Start, but not actually cry. She would bury her face into her hands, take a deep breath, and mumble “toughen up, soldier” before regaining her composure.

After the gang rape, she took the morning after pill. Her strict Catholic family disapproved, and would not allow her to attend her Grandmother’s funeral.

#5 Do you like pancakes?

             No.

What hurts most in your body?

           My colon. When I go #2 it is unpleasant. Embarrassing. Frustrating. Obnoxious.

At one point in our three-hour interview, she told me to turn off the tape. She had to go to the bathroom and didn’t want the recorder to pick up the noises. A beautiful 28-year-old girl…worried about the noises from a diseased colon.

The most recent guy she dated looked like The Rock. He said he would take care of her and protect her. He locked her in a van for six months. He reversed the locks, installed cameras, and hid the van away from populated areas so nobody could hear her. He rolled his own cigarettes and cut them with meth. He gave her the meth-laced cigarettes and watched her have seizures all alone in the van. He eventually dropped her off at a hotel. He is now in prison and she was relocated to Nashville through the court system.

#4 How many times have you been in love?

            Clearly many times with the wrong person. Does it include puppies and animals?

 Do you still believe in love?

50/50. Do I think I will find it? No. There are far too many issues. PTSD, manic depression, seizures, cancer, and HIV. I try to make people not fall in love with me because I would only be a burden to them.

It took her almost an hour before admitting she was HIV+. She said it softly and then said she had hand sanitizer if we wanted it.

That was the third time she broke my heart.

 #17 What is your favorite flower?

The sunflower. It grows so tall. It grows so strong. And, no matter the weather, it still blooms.

Fourth time she broke my heart.

Have you ever done heroin?

No. I hate that stuff. My friend died in my arms with a needle stuck in her arms. The paramedics took 33 minutes and 23 seconds to arrive. They told me to shoot cold water into her vein with the needle. I don’t know how to do that! They told me to put her in a cold shower. The people at the party told me to put her body in the alley in the back. I couldn’t save her. Her mother looked me in the eye and said “she trusted you”. It was after my Grandmother died and I was all the way fucked up. I can still see her face. I should have saved her.

(Shot of vodka) Probably shot number ten. Elizabeth took a break to smoke a cigarette outside. Danny stared at us from the corner. Ty Ty snored on the bed. Happy Friday.

#21 Ilene’s question – Are you afraid of dying?

To be honest, I was at first. I’m not gonna lie. I’ve been right with the Lord. Every time I lay my head on the pillow or the cement, I know I’ve done nothing but try to be the best I can be. So, I’m no longer afraid. Every once in a while, I get scared with my health issues…to be alone. I try to be the best I can be and pay it forward. Overall, I’m not scared. It took many months to overcome it, but I’ve got this.

#18 What scares you the most?

Bugs. I hate bugs. I can whoop anybody’s ass, but I hate bugs. A boy put a cicada on my shoulder on the bus in elementary school and I freaked out. I all the way hate bugs.

#19 Hug

Number 19 just said “hug”. I put it in there hoping it would help in some way. I was nervous because all of the men in her life have been abusive. However, I gave her a big hug. I poured every ounce of love I had in my body into that hug. For better or for worse. And then Ilene hugged her.

We were about two hours in and I could tell she was getting tired. How could she not? She held her side the whole time as we talked. I am not sure if it was from the cancer or her liver from the booze. She said it hurts all the time.

She said she wouldn’t change any part of her life. It has been hard, but she wouldn’t want anyone else to have to go through it. At that point, Ilene just put her head in her hands.

At the end, I told her I had one last question.

 #8 What do you love the most about yourself?

She couldn’t answer. She buried her face in her hands again. We all sat in silence. Tears ran down her face.

I hate these questions. When you’ve been told you’re a piece of shit all the time, it gets embedded in your brain. I’m all the way disappointed in myself. You want an honest answer? I don’t know anymore. The only thing I love about myself is I still have the ability to care about other people. I don’t want to see anybody hurt or suffer. I still have that quality even though I should be all the way bitter.

This was the only time I silently cried in the three hours we were together.

At the end, she asked why we dropped everything to go see her. Ilene gave a brilliant answer. I stumbled over my words. I told her I want to learn how to live. In a soft and comforting voice, she asked if she could give me one bit of advice.

Mind over matter. Even when you are all the way hurting, there is always somebody that has it worse that you. That should be the mentality and the motivation for you to overcome it. You are all the way a goofball, and funny, and kind, and have a great smile, and great laugh. Don’t dwell on the cards you have been dealt in your life.

Damn you girl.

I asked how she always smiles.

She said it hurts worse to cry. Crying doesn’t take away the pain, or the tumor wrapped around her colon, or the sexual assault, or the people who have hurt her.

I do gain all the way from being a total goofball and being all the way and what the poop and all of that, and jumping on her, and doing a frontward somersault on the bed, and just being silly. I don’t like taking anything serious anymore. I’m tired of it.

I don’t know what is going to happen to Elizabeth Ann. I don’t know how long she will live. I don’t know if she will ever fall in love. I can’t save her.

We took her to the store to buy some cigarettes and apple juice when we were done. She asked for the receipt so she could pay me back.

She texted Rick the following message after we left:

We all just want to be loved. All the way.

 Trey