MCDONALD’S MAYHEM

June 29, 2018

I stopped at McDonald’s for a coffee this morning and what I saw blew my mind…

Every morning I go to a coffee shop to drink coffee and journal. I usually go to Starbucks or some other overpriced hipster café with beanie wearing baristas adding whip cream to blonde roasts. Not today. America.

I walked in McDonald's and tried to find the back of the line. The mix of random landscape workers and auto mechanics formed 12 incomplete lines for a single cashier. Most were pissed waiting for their McSomethings and other useless foods. I slid in behind the guy with face tattoos.

A random stocky dude in a thick hoodie leaned over the counter and told the cashier to change the coffee filter. She looked at him confused. He explained she needed to change the coffee filter because he almost choked on the coffee grinds. She still looked confused. I was confused.

A tall dude in a white shirt, white shorts, and white shoes started yelling at the entire kitchen staff. He was mad that his shitty $1 McBiscuit was talking over one minute to cook.

I got to the front of the line and ordered a medium coffee. I always order medium drinks. Always. I never want a small and never want a large. Medium. Always.

I took a seat in the corner next to a skinny homeless guy wearing a trash bag on his head. He was grunting. Seemed like a good dude.

I added a pack of Bulletproof MCT oil and butter to my coffee like a true yuppie who listens to self-help podcasts.

A short white dude with a monster beard and long straw hair sprawling out of a vintage trucker hat came in with a skateboard tucked under his arm. He made his way to the counter. The next thing I know he yells “F*ck off” to the cashier. Then he yells “F*ck Y'all” to the entire McDonald’s staff. Then he yells “F*ck McDonald's” as he walks out the door. Very thorough. 

My homeless buddy gets up to scurry around the restaurant when all the commotion starts. The 11-year-old girl working the cash register just stares at everybody like she doesn’t give a McShit about McAnything.

My coffee is burnt.

The dude in the white shirt yells “Hey, where the manager at? I almost slipped on this water, y'all better clean it up, that’s a lawsuit.”

The place finally settles down a bit. I want to give the register girl a hug, buy a hat for my homeless friend, and check on that coffee filter.  

Just as I am packing up to leave, a normal looking dude comes in at sits at the table next to me. He starts fumbling around with his phone. He turns and asks me if I know how to connect his phone to the WiFi.

I take his phone to look for the setting and accidentally hit photos instead. That was a mistake.

A folder of unattractive naked women in horrific positions emerges.

I hand him back the phone and tell him it is connected